"When were you ever single?"
Thats the line a friend told me last year when I told him I was dating someone. Well, that person that I was dating, after it ended badly with the ex before him, seemed promising. But it ended during Christmas i guess. Not long after that, I started seeing someone else, who was back in my home town. We did this whole long distance thing for awhile. It all seemed promising at first, I was in love again. Well, infatuation would be the precise words. I was smiling constantly and basically happy 24/7 because I was bitten by the love bug all over again. And then when we break up, and I'm all alone, the love bug comes right back up and bites me, and i'm back. Thats what happened to me all year last year and early this year as well.
So back to this person I was seeing back at home, it happened to quickly, i wanted to see this person so badly, so i booked tickets to fly back as much as i could just so that I could make it happen. The first two times I came back, man, it was awesome, it was great. With the total of about the first time we met, and I came back for four days the first time, and five days the second time, equals to ten days. Those were one of the best ten days for the year. And I flew back the third time. And then it started to go downhill. I'm not saying that I didn't try to make it work, i did, but i expected too much, and made a small mistake, and this person saw me differently after that I guess, and then began to distance this person's self from me.
I got angry, well, i got angry while i was here. I had limited amount of time back home, and one of the main reasons I was back is because of this person. So even though I made a mistake, I thought that there would be some understanding. But there never was. I'm not blaming this thing all on this person, but Im saying from my point of view that I felt seriously unappreciated. From a dream of having two weeks of honeymoon, became two weeks of impatience, two weeks of mood swings, two weeks of feeling shitty about myself. I began to think, maybe this isn't going to work out after all.
This person to me is perfect, sweet, good looking to name a few, but i guess it wasn't meant to be. I had my personal doubts over the time i guess but it's normal. I tried to want to spend time, but I kept being turned down, so finally, i said it was over, but i know the whole idea of over was lingering since i fucked up. So I tried, i really did try, and I really did want to spend time and see if things were going to work out, but i guess it didn't. And I have to move on again. I have another few more weekends back here, well, i got the tickets i bought in advance, cause everything was going so fast, but i guess ill come back, and spend it with my friends and family.
I hate being alone, I hate it. But I think I will try and stay single for the time being, because this recent heart break is enough, i had about three last year, and one more this year. I still remember the song grenade, it was the song that I kept on repeat, and well, it's very ironic because you won't do the same. It's my fault, it's our fault, I shouldn't have turned a very wonderful one night into a possible relationship. It just can't work out that way.
Maybe it's good that I took this holiday, so I could see what direction that we were gonna go to. I guess that direction was the end. But oh well, we live and we learn.
xoxo
Jeffrey James
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