Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, January 2, 2012
Friday, October 21, 2011
Sweetest Fridays: Animals
The sadness of the wild animal slaughter is overwhelming. It is global, though, MORE HERE.
But a moment for a break.
Think lightly,
instead just for a minute, on this.
(elder humor)
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet 'Sheriff' the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
I related that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no;
I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit both of us.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack from laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Marilyn called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
He fell to his death. Not to be outdone, the Missouri fan jumped up and shouted, "THIS IS
FOR THE TIGERS!" and threw himself off the mountain. Refusing to be
Outdone by the Nebraska and Missouri fans, the K-State fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "THIS IS FOR THE K-STATE WILDCATS!" and without hesitation pushed the Kansas fan off the mountain shouting, "FLY JAYHAWK FLY!!!"
But a moment for a break.
Think lightly,
instead just for a minute, on this.
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet 'Sheriff' the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
I related that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IV's in both arms.
and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
I told her no;
I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit both of us.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack from laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Marilyn called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Nebraska fan, a Missouri fan, a Kansas fan, and a K-State fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most die-hard fan.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Nebraska fan proclaimed to The other three, "THIS IS FOR THE HUSKERS!" and promptly threw Himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice, screaming "GO BIG RED!" as He fell to his death. Not to be outdone, the Missouri fan jumped up and shouted, "THIS IS
FOR THE TIGERS!" and threw himself off the mountain. Refusing to be
Outdone by the Nebraska and Missouri fans, the K-State fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "THIS IS FOR THE K-STATE WILDCATS!" and without hesitation pushed the Kansas fan off the mountain shouting, "FLY JAYHAWK FLY!!!"
Friday, October 7, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Sweetest Friday is here! Sweetest fridays!
sent: "My five-year old students, are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant " Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?"
Baby Elephants rock. More elephants click HERE
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
3. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant " Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?"
Baby Elephants rock. More elephants click HERE
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
3. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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