Need Vs Wants

I was talking to my friend about gadgets and I was telling him that I wanted to get an Ipod Shuffle. I also said that I wanted to get this second hand phone that was cheap because my blackberry wasn't working anymore. So anyway, he was telling me about getting new gadgets and all and suggested that instead of getting that second hand phone, i could instead get another blackberry.

Sure, I would love to have a new blackberry, or even a pre-loved blackberry. But at the state that i'm in now, i can't afford it. I have other things to worry about, like paying my rent, paying for my car, paying for my gym, and feeding myself that the last thing i want to do is get a new blackberry, though i really want one.

I am lucky to be where i am, I am blessed to have such a wonderful family who gives me so much, and there are people who are in worse position than I am. I want so many things, I want new clothes, shoes, gadgets, and even money to travel, but due to the fact that I have so many other commitments, I just focus on those instead.

It just makes me sad that I can't get any of these things.

But that's life, we live and we learn.

xoxo

Jeffrey James

I-Phone 7

Pictured above is the latest phone to hit the market, which is the latest I-Phone 7! So you apple freaks better start camping out the Apple store to get this marvelous piece of gadget that broke lots of barriers like having a vga camera, a KEYPAD, and a screen that won't react when we touch it! It's a revelation!

Who am i kidding? But seriously, these apple freaks would still line up for days if this was apple's latest creation. Heck, if Apple released a brick and called it an I-phone, the followers will buy it no matter what.

I should stop hating on Apple, but it brings me back to the reason on why I'm blogging. I've been using the phone pictured above because my Blackberry decided to give up on me after one and a half year of hard labour. So over the past one week, I've been using this wonderful piece of technology. No bbm, no facebook, no twitter, no instant googling. God, life is so sad.

But seriously, if i was given this phone back in 2002, I would have been so happy instead of miserable like I am now. It's just that technology has advanced so much in the last ten years that we are spoilt with instant information and instant connectivity to the point of not being used to simple connectivity that we used to enjoy.

So it's been a week, and damn i really miss my blackberry, but what i miss most about my bb isn't the instant connectivity, it's that all my files are in the phone, this crappy ass i-phone 7 cant even load in a memory card.

God, life sucks when you depend on something too much and suddenly have to live without it.

xoxo

j

Attachment

For the first time since I left home for Uni, I have been back in Borneo on the first day of my summer holidays, to the very last day of it. I was back at home from mid November until the end of February. So, with me being filled with activity back at home, I had less amount of time to update my blog.

However, being back here in Kuala Lumpur has been less than pleasant. I've been rather depressed lately about being back here and felt it instantly when I step on the plane to fly back here. I don't hate Kuala Lumpur, I just love home too much. It's like when I get back to Borneo, I don't even feel depressed, I settle in so quickly and I don't even really feel like getting out, with Kuala Lumpur, It takes quite some time for me to get used to the place.

When my cousin, left Borneo for Singapore, she told me she also took it rather hard after being back for a couple of weeks. I thought she was being dramatic but I felt that too when I was back. Lying on my bed, in my KL apartment, it just donned to me that I hate being back, and that I miss Borneo, I miss the people there, I miss my life there.

I started to think about the attachment a person feels for a place, sure, the only place I feel attached to now is Borneo, but the thing is, apart from the place itself playing the role of attachment, other factors also contributes to the feeling of attachment to a certain place. My family is back there, my friends is back there, my life is back there, as compared to KL, where I do have friends, and I do appreciate them, but that is it, I have no life here, just school, and maybe a future.

I know i sound like a depressed queen, and i am right now, but all I want to do is go back home to Borneo, and lie on my bed, and just watch the day go by. That would be by far the best past time for me, if life were only like that of course.

cheers

Jeffrey James

I was contemplating on something an ex said to me earlier. I was talking about how serial daters are better than being a slut. But my ex made a good point, it isn't good to be a serial dater because whenever u date someone, you give a part of yourself to that person. So the more you date, the more you lose yourself and maybe eventually someday, there's nothing left to give.

So, dating is very draining, it's so draining emotionally and mentally when it doesn't go well. But of course, there are the good times of dating, which is why people, which is why I always like to date. I get excited with every new 'relationship' that I get into because the honeymoon period is just so awesome! It's not really a bad thing but that's something that needs to be worked on because it isn't healthy.

Like right now, I'm so drained emotionally and mentally but the other person isn't the one to blame. It just reached to the point where it seems like there's nothing left to talk about. But then again, I could be bi-polar. I could be emotionally unstable and I could be worrying too much.

But I will see how I can work this out and see what I can do. I guess I just gotta sleep on it :)

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

Browniessss

So I had a bad day today, started off with a parking fine, followed by parking, followed by some financial problems. Well, you can say that I hate my life right now, i don't deal with stress well.

Which is why i started to think about cooking, well, baking, on how I am going to make my first rainbow cake, macaroons, cupcakes to name a few when I get back to Borneo in November. So the picture above is a Chocolate Brownie that I made myself, plated it myself, and ate it as well, I didn't make the ice cream though but I will consider making the ice cream on my own in the near future :)

Thinking of cooking and sex just makes life better:)

xoxo

Jeffrey James

Birthday Weekend

So I turned 22 last Saturday. And it felt different from turning 21. I decided to remove the birthday notification because I don't see the point of receiving tons of wishes on facebook. And I didn't feel like celebrating it either. However, for my friends and loved ones who did remember, thank you very much and I totally appreciate your wishes. I really really do.

My mother called me on that day, but she never wished me, I guess she must have forgotten. But I don't blame anyone, cause I removed the reminder from my social networking site as well.

I went out partying and I did enjoy.

But my blackberry got soaked in Iced Lemon Tea on Saturday, and now I'm phone-less again:(

xoxo

Jeffrey James

Stressed out

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I just had so many problems that were constantly on my mind. I can say that I could barely sleep and I only slept for an hour. I wanted to sleep later but when i tried, I couldn't even manage to shut my eye, I just feel that theres something stuck up my ass.

Seriously, I know I worry too much but it's so hard sometimes to deal with all these things, I know my problems will get worse as I get older and I will learn how to better manage myself, but honestly, dealing with stress isn't one of my best attributes and I often come to a point where I can't breath and I just want to let it out.

Sometimes I think of suicide but then again, I would be more comfortable killing myself when I don't leave behind problems for my family rather than killing myself and leaving them tons of shit to deal with.

I know it seems scary that I am thinking about suicide as a whole but seriously, these lonely night lying in my room, worrying, and fearing for no reason, I know it's nothing big, but I can't help but feel this way is just taking a toll on me and I am quite sick of this feeling.

I hope everything will turn up at the near future though:(

xoxo

Jeffrey James

Femme Fatale

My mood at the moment is very unstable, I'm not sure as to why I'm feeling this way, but I can pretty much say that I hate this feeling! I wanted to tear when i was watching Britney Spear's Femme Fatale tour on youtube. I'm not sure whether or not it's because I can't make it to Kylie Minogue or the whole stress of moving to a new place, it's just so tiring, I feel quite lonely.

I'm not sure whether it's due to the fact that i'm single or not. But I know i'm not feeling sad because of my failed 'relationships'. I guess it's the whole what am I going to do thing and trying to organize my life. It's quite stressful. I'm stress but at the same time im not stressed. So i'm not really sure.

It's the whole being alone and not knowing what to do at the moment. Which sucks of course! I'm trying to pass time now and hopefully everything will end up better in the end:)

xoxo

Jeffrey James

there might not be tomorrow

I talked to two of my friends from K.K today and was asking about how everything was going back home. I was asking about grenade as well, well, not exactly on what grenade did or who grenade dated back in K.K but more to the how was their last night in K.K. I was asked to view grenade's profile on facebook cause apparently there's a nice picture but I didn't really wanna look, I clicked on grenade's profile but left it immediately after doing so.

However, I do that with all my exes profile as well, I don't even bother to click on parachute's profile and don't even bother to ask about kissing you's news. But I do still visit warwick avenue's profile though, cause warwick avenue is the only person where I can look at and think as if warwick avenue is my friend, it's as if I'm viewing my friend's profile, instead of an ex.

But the thing with grenade is that so many songs I hear relate to grenade, apart from the bruno mars song, there's the annoying pitbull feat neyo song that is constantly on the radio, I smile when the song comes on, but the thought of grenade will come up and I will smile, but at the same time wondered if things could have been better. However, me, along with many others, still think that grenade is very beautiful!

But then again, there are so many other beautiful people out there. And I'm taking my time to get to know them, slowly. All I have to do now is lose weight and move into my new pad, and fix my car, and worry about my studies! Life's good right?

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

But...

It's funny how things usually turn out to be like. You receive a piece of potentially good news, then suddenly, you get the potentially bad news. Life sucks. But I dont mind la.

I was shortlisted for a commercial shoot recently. But the shooting date is the same as the date I'm supposed to be back home.

It's like i dont mind getting the role, but i don't mind not getting it as well :)

xoxo

Jeffrey James

please add me on twitter at http://www.twitter.com/jeffreytanggau

Argument with my mind

I lie on the bed, hugging my pillow, thinking to myself, "why is life so unfair?", it's common for me to be stressed out this way. Usually I would lie on my bed, all alone, or as if i'm alone (when there's somebody beside me) and talk to myself (in my mind). I would keep asking myself why am I in such a situation, why do i feel this way. Usually, the conversation would go like this;

Me: Why do i have to feel this way?

Mind: Because you're the one who made it this way.

Me: I know, but can't life be easy?

Mind: It can, but it's always hard at first.

Me: I feel like jumping out of the window.

Mind: Don't do that, you will cause more trouble to the people you love.

Me: But I hate feeling this way!

Well, this is the argument that goes through my mind most of the time. I'm usually having an argument with my mind, asking it questions, and my mind would give me an answer. My mind is there to tell me not to worry, but I still do. I guess this is just normal. But I haven't been having good luck lately, well, my days are mostly bad, or starting to get bad. I feel it's because we're reaching the middle of the year, i had a good start to the year but now it all seems to be going down hill.

Until I got the call last night, when I finally received one good news. However, I will announce it only when it's really confirmed!

xoxo

Jeffrey James

To follow me on twitter please visit http://www.twitter.com/jeffreytanggau

updated

I took alcohol. But I didn't smoke. I waited for you. I cried.

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

I was chatting with my best friend and she was telling me that she was experiencing some personal problems of her own. I'm not going into her problems but basically I was also telling her about the problems that I was facing.

I just ended things with this person I was dating. And she asked me if this is the worst I've felt from a 'breakup'.

Well, the answer is no. I've felt worse when my relationship with my 'supermodel' ex ended. I remember crying every night because of that. And the relationship after when I got dumped by my 'entertainment industry related' ex and I went outside and teared in the gym when I was trying to tell my friend about it.

The feeling I'm feeling now isn't new, but it still sucks nonetheless. However, I haven't cried a single bit. Don't get me wrong, I want to cry, I want to let this intense pressure out of me, I want to cry so I can feel that it comes out. But I can't somehow. I've been through worse heartbreaks and thos feeling I'm feeling now doesn't feel strange to me. But I hate it.

However, what I can say is that because of this person that I was dating, I've made the craziest decisions! I've never flown back to see someone a couple of times. That's a first though! But I'm glad that I'm doing better as the days go by. Even though I still feel like shit.

And it was nice having a chat with ness, it did make me feel better. I love you:)

Xoxo

Jeffrey james.

im a sad person

It's funny how when you don't want to be reminded of something, everything will start reminding you of the thing you want to forget. When I turn on the radio, and I hear them playing tonight by enrique iglesias, I'm reminded. When I hear grenade by bruno mars I'm reminded, or most top 40 songs I'm reminded. It sucks how this makes me feel shitty when I try to get better.

But I understand it's part of the whole process, and so far, it's been going sort of well, I did however click on that person's facebook profile yesterday and felt like shit, but my friend told me "never visit their profile page" so I'm going to try and stop myself from doing that.

The holiday has been quite good so far but I know that it could be better. I can't wait to go back to kl, I can't wait to be alone and concentrate on myself when I'm there again. Even though I tried to have fun, I seem to not be able to do it. I'm do boring now.

Oh well, I'm going to finish reading my book.

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

Another Jesselton Love Story

"When were you ever single?"

Thats the line a friend told me last year when I told him I was dating someone. Well, that person that I was dating, after it ended badly with the ex before him, seemed promising. But it ended during Christmas i guess. Not long after that, I started seeing someone else, who was back in my home town. We did this whole long distance thing for awhile. It all seemed promising at first, I was in love again. Well, infatuation would be the precise words. I was smiling constantly and basically happy 24/7 because I was bitten by the love bug all over again. And then when we break up, and I'm all alone, the love bug comes right back up and bites me, and i'm back. Thats what happened to me all year last year and early this year as well.

So back to this person I was seeing back at home, it happened to quickly, i wanted to see this person so badly, so i booked tickets to fly back as much as i could just so that I could make it happen. The first two times I came back, man, it was awesome, it was great. With the total of about the first time we met, and I came back for four days the first time, and five days the second time, equals to ten days. Those were one of the best ten days for the year. And I flew back the third time. And then it started to go downhill. I'm not saying that I didn't try to make it work, i did, but i expected too much, and made a small mistake, and this person saw me differently after that I guess, and then began to distance this person's self from me.

I got angry, well, i got angry while i was here. I had limited amount of time back home, and one of the main reasons I was back is because of this person. So even though I made a mistake, I thought that there would be some understanding. But there never was. I'm not blaming this thing all on this person, but Im saying from my point of view that I felt seriously unappreciated. From a dream of having two weeks of honeymoon, became two weeks of impatience, two weeks of mood swings, two weeks of feeling shitty about myself. I began to think, maybe this isn't going to work out after all.

This person to me is perfect, sweet, good looking to name a few, but i guess it wasn't meant to be. I had my personal doubts over the time i guess but it's normal. I tried to want to spend time, but I kept being turned down, so finally, i said it was over, but i know the whole idea of over was lingering since i fucked up. So I tried, i really did try, and I really did want to spend time and see if things were going to work out, but i guess it didn't. And I have to move on again. I have another few more weekends back here, well, i got the tickets i bought in advance, cause everything was going so fast, but i guess ill come back, and spend it with my friends and family.

I hate being alone, I hate it. But I think I will try and stay single for the time being, because this recent heart break is enough, i had about three last year, and one more this year. I still remember the song grenade, it was the song that I kept on repeat, and well, it's very ironic because you won't do the same. It's my fault, it's our fault, I shouldn't have turned a very wonderful one night into a possible relationship. It just can't work out that way.

Maybe it's good that I took this holiday, so I could see what direction that we were gonna go to. I guess that direction was the end. But oh well, we live and we learn.

xoxo

Jeffrey James

Up and Down

I hang out with my friends here, but somehow I feel isolated. In my own world, lost in my own thoughts. I made up my mind that I would be like a fisherman, scooping out fish everytime it gets caught in his net. Whenever the thought of him drifts up from within me, I would scoop them out, and scoop them out again, and again, until there were none left.

It would have been a clever system I'm sure, if I could make it work. But when I had even a single thought of him, I could never have caught it before it sped away and carried me to the place where I had banished my thoughts.

Many time I stopped myself and said, "think of yourself"

But it doesn't happen because one way or another, my thought leads me back to him.

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

ironic

I was awoken this morning with a phonecall from a friend whom was in kl. I'm not going to name her for privacy purposes, but I'm just gonna tell you about the whole ordeal. To cut story short, basically she likes this guy and got really drunk from it and did some stupid things, and because she likes this guy, she did some stupid things already even when she wasn't drunk.

I told her to control herself and don't get too drunk, and to not think too much.

That's something I should be telling myself as well. Over the past few months, well, over my past 'few' relationships, I learned that I should not hold back on my feelings towards a person and just do what my heart tells me to do. It works out good and bad but that's normal. Because of my feelings for someone back home I decided I should visit home more often. Not entirely because of this person but because I can spend time with my family as well.

Somehow I have my insecurities, wondering if that person feels the same way I do or whether or not it's all just a scam, on whether I'm just some fling that this person can have during this person's stint in borneo. Because I was in a situation before whereby I was seeing someone similar who said that that person was single but I found out that the person I was seeing was actually attached.

You see, I don't mind if they're attached or not. Just as long as I'm aware of it. I appreciate honesty because I'm honest as well. But its all just self doubts that makes me go crazy.

Now, as I was advising my friend, I started to think about my situation, of how similar our situation is. Well, mine is not as terrible as hers' but there are the common similarities that we share. I was also drunk last night and I did some stupid things, I let my insecurities get the best of me and I think I was an asshole. I woke up this morning feeling guilty about it and I was advising my friend to not think about it but at the same time I was thinking about my own situation as well.

She was telling me that it was hard for her not to think about it and its true, cause its hard for me not to think about it as well. I must admit I got better control than she does but this whole feelings issue is something that is so hard to deal with. Sometimes it's just so hard to handle and we let it get the better of us. I fucked up my previous relationships due to this as well, due to my insecurities, due to me being scared, and its happening to me all over again. It sucks but I'm gonna try again.

Its funny how a prostitute is advising a whore on how to be more virginal. Its the same as the situation I'm in now.

Sigh

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

i hate

I hate telling you that I miss you,
I hate looking at our picture on my phone,
I hate it when you tell me good morning,
I hate it when I wish you good night,
I hate it when I tell you that I love you,
I hate how it makes me feel,
I hate doing all of these things,
Because I do it all from afar.

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

wishing

So I've been locking myself in my room during the past two weekends. I figured what's the point of going out to party when I don't really need to go and look for someone. I party with my friends of course but none of them are actually here for me to party with. However, each time I lie on my bed, I think about partying, about flirting, about finding the 'prey' for the night, about having fun. Then I get tempted, but then I think about the money I'm going to waste, and that when I actually go to the club now I won't be doing any of those stuff.

I would be talking to some friends. But I can do that during the day.

So I choose to stay in my room, listening to music. Wishing I went out, wishing I was in jesselton partying with my loved ones. I wish for many things. But in relaity, I'm still in my room :p

Xoxo

Jeffrey james

life

While I was in singapore, I partied with my friends there.

Today, I found out that he passed away.

Xoxo

Jeffrey james